Just In Time For Christmas

I arose on Friday to find myself in yet another location, in the posession of yet another Lodi Sunrise Rotarian.

Yes, I was still in a very dark and cramped space, but I found plenty of FRANKLIN's to keep me company!  All this money, and just in time for Christmas (am I allowed to call it "Christmas"?).

I must admit that never in my short life as a brass bell, have I ever been around this much money.  It makes me want to grab a few bundles and head back to Vegas for the fun I never had with the "alarm guy".

I am hoping to have a few more adventures before someone gets the bright idea to return me to President Dustin.  It's only DECEMBER!!

Perhaps I'll get to see the Parade of Lights, or gamble my brass away at Jackson Rancheria, or maybe I'll get to ride with Santa on the City of Lodi Fire Truck!

There are so many things I can do, but so little time.  I need your help!  Email me!

Yours in Rotary,
Dingy

Tattoo You (Me)

So I did it!  I finally did it!  I got FIVE new tattoo's!  The first one reads "05-06 Tracy Dockery" in memory of our dearly departed Past President.  And while I was at it, I also added a few other Past President's names to my (br)ass ... Mike Sinclair, Chuck Higgs and Ralph Cesena Jr.  Then I figured .. while I was at it .. I may as well put current President Dustin's name on my (br)ass as well, so I did!

I now think I have more "Tats" than Kat Von D (see image, right) ... don't stare at that pic too long Bob .. you might hurt yourself.

It's been about five years since my last Tattoo so this time, I asked a lot of questions.  My "artist" shared some important information with me about how NOT to mess up my "Tats" including:

Avoid Sunlight
Yes, apparently extended exposure to sunlight is bad for a "Tat".  Fortunately that isn't an issue, because I've spent the better part of the last two months in a DARK FRIGGIN CLOSET, apparently not allowed to see the light of day!

Avoid Salt Water, Chlorine, Dust and Dirt
Apparently my current "keeper" forgot about the "Dust and Dirt" part (as you will find out in tomorrow's posting).  As for Salt Water ... I can't remember the last time I saw the ocean.  As for Chlorine ... I think I was bleached once when Past President Chuck forgot to take me out of his pants pocket before doing his laundry.

Avoid Sauna's and Steam Rooms

These are two of the WORST places one can go after getting a tattoo.  Until healing is complete, these rooms can cause blurring if not careful.  Judging by the pics of my "Tats", it may be too late for this advice.  I'm more than happy to heed this advice, since seeing Bradley in a Steam Room isn't on my list of "10 things to do before I'm melted down".


One of the biggest questions I've been asked about my new "Tats" is ... "Did it hurt?".  After all, the outer layer of my brass is being carved off of me using an engraving needle.  It is very difficult to explain just how much it hurts.  Imagine for a moment, getting "Sho Shu'd" in the head by President Dustin's left foot.  That's pretty much how it feels.  I have heard that "getting drunk" makes it less painful (for both Tatto's and getting kicked in the head) - but my plans to go to Vegas, get drunk and tatto'd were ruined by my current keeper after he BROKE ME!  But I digress...


There are positives and negatives to being "Tatted".  On the plus side, I look like a Badass Bell!  On the minus side, it brings back memories of other tatto's I've seen in the past (and never really talked about) like the one under Past President Mike's kilt .. and the one of a "Stripper's Pole" on the left "cheek" of Past President Chuck.  That's enough for now .. more tomorrow!

For Whom The Bell DIDN'T Toll

Well ... I'm finally out of the Hospital and recovered. As I lamented in my previous post, I was BROKEN by that guy in our club (I won't mention his name, but he works for an alarm company) while drag racing his HHR against a Corvette!

But unlike Humpty Dumpty, the staff at Lodi Memorial (and perhaps Ray's Brazing Service) were able to put me back together again. Good thing the club made that donation to Lodi Memorial last year ...

Thanks to all ONE of you that sent me flowers, cards and well wishes. I WAS going to come back to the club, but I think now I'll extend my vacation a bit to recover from my wounds.

The Liberty Bell 'Aint Got Nothin' On Me

So much to tell you all, so little time. I have been Missing In Action for quite some time, stuffed in a dark box with no hint as to where I have been or where I am. It wasn't until I found a cell phone today that I was able to communicate with someone and find out the awful truth.

But first, a bit of history. On February 26, 1846 the Liberty Bell rang for the last time in honor of George Washington's birthday. On that date, the bell cracked for the last time, rendering it un-ringable.

A similar fate has befallen me, the bell of Lodi Sunrise Rotary Club.  Yes, my health and well being was entrusted to a member of the club for the purpose of taking me to Las Vegas to ring wildly knowing that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".  Instead, my caretaker BROKE ME!  That's what I said .. I've been BROKEN and I can't be rung!

Yes, my careless handler broke my Rotary Emblem  off while hot-rodding his company car around Lodi and rolling me around in the back of his car!

He thought he was real slick when he pulled up next to that Corvette, challenging it to a road race.  You'd think he would know better than to race an HHR against a Corvette.  But he didn't, and now I'm a broken bell because of it.  I can only hope that it costs him a LOT of money to fix me.  When my repairs are completed, he MAY wish that President Obama had extended free healthcare to bells.

The worst part of the whole thing is ... he tried to cover it up.  Just check out the email he sent me trying to explain where I am and what is going on.  What .. does he think I wasn't there?  Does he think I don't remember (now that he's reminded me).  And how was I supposed to "respond" to his email lying in the back of some warehouse without my Blackberry?  And to top it all off, he actually has the nerve to blame District Governor Susan!!

 

Dear, Dingy

Since you had not responded, I went ahead and sent the picture of your accident.  I do blame some of this on District Gov. Susan.  When I picked you up from her house, you kept going on and on about how much fun you had.  You kept texting me about your adventures, and all the baby toy cars she made you ride on.  As soon as you saw the little plastic Jeep at my house, you jumped out of my arms in an attempt to get into that Jeep.  Before I could grab you, you lost control and landed on the pavement with a CRASH!  Do you remember the ambulance ride? Surgery? anything at all?

Your Doctor said you can start traveling again next week.  I am sad you were not in Vegas with me, but I am glad you are ok.  As you travel, please be more careful.  President Dustin is going to start pounding on you when you return to the meetings. I suggest you start some type of exercise regiment to build up your strength.

 

The NERVE of this guy!! He must be a liberal because he pretty much blames everyone but himself for this tragedy!!  On top of that, why would I WANT to jump into that Jeep?  Didn't he READ MY PREVIOUS POST where I lamented having to spend time riding Governor Susan's plastic kiddie toys?

The fact of the matter is, that "crime scene" was STAGED to cover up the fact that I was broken during a drag race of an HHR versus a Corvette.

I REALLY need someone to take me on an adventure once my bell repairs are done!  I got cheated out of Vegas, and now my injury is being covered up!  I just need to get away.  EMAIL ME IF YOU HAVE SOMEPLACE INTERESTING TO TAKE ME!  the.bell.2009@gmail.com

Yours in Rotary, Dingy

The Humiliation Of The Bell

Don't get me wrong. I am NOT complaining about my journeys with the District Governor. But I HONESTLY think that her biological clock is STILL TICKING. How else could you possibly explain these pictures she took of me.  I consider myself lucky that I didn't end up in a cradle, wrapped in bell-diapers.

In this photo, the District Governor has me propped up in her favorite "baby arm chair".  She kept coo-ing at me, asking me to smile.

HELLO?

I am a bell!  I don't have a mouth!  I have a handle and a rim, and some other parts (see my previous post on the Anatomy of a Bell).

And then, as if being propped up in a plastic kiddie chair wasn't humiliating enough, I was asked if I wanted to "ride the bikey?".  

Actually, it wasn't that bad until they decided to roll me down a hill.  This thing has no seat belts, and I got a severe case of grass-rash.

I'm still not complaining much.  It beat the heck out of being put on horseback and being asked if "you wanna play Rodeo Star?" when I was hiding in Dustin's hay loft.

And just when you think it can't get any worse, it does!  Yes, I was put into the back of a dump truck!

Its moments like these that make me wish I'd have stayed in the storage room at Oak Ridge Winery.  At least in there, OTHER THINGS (like bottles of wine) were being loaded into backs of trucks!

But as the saying goes, I tried very hard to "keep my eye on the prize" (my trip to Vegas)!  So I figured I had to "break a few eggs" if I wanted to make a Vegas Omelette.

So here I am on the grass, after falling off the little "Big Wheel".  I survived with just a few minor grass stains.  Nothing to prevent me from enjoying Vegas, and returning to the club in one piece.

Before I sign off for the day, I also want to share ONE MORE PICTURE with you.  That picture disturbs me in ways I haven't even figured out yet.  I'm not sure WHY this picture was taken.

It is an endorsement of socialized medicine?

Does it represent a threat of deportation?

Does it imply that I love hockey?

I honestly don't know, but it did make me think about some very funny things I've heard about our neighbors to the north.

Dingy's list of things you can only find in CANADA:

You can get a Pizza faster than you can get an ambulance

There are parking spots for the physically impaired in front of skating rinks

Healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of a store, while sick people have to go all the way to the back to pick up their medications

Drive up ATM machines that have keypads in Braille (think about it)

The local paper has 6 pages of hockey coverage and 1 page of world headlines

People use the trunk of their car as a freezer in winter

People who know what "LaBatts" is

President Dustin Doesn't Have A Clue

I've gotta admit, President Dustin isn't very bright.  I don't think he is even CLOSE to figuring out where I am, or where I have been!  Heck, half the time I don't know where I am!

But I did manage to stow away in District Governor Susan Drake's satchel without her knowledge, and was able to visit a few of the other Bells in our District.  But I have to be honest.. riding around in that satchel wasn't much fun.  I barely fit in there, and I can't believe Susan didn't see my handle hanging out.

And apparently Susan likes to discard her chewing gum and sunflower seeds into her satchel.  It made for a pretty sticky situation, but I managed to survive it.  I lived off the sunflower seed husks for about three days, and didn't see much sunlight.

One of the highlights of my "Bell Tour" was finally getting to meet another Rotary Bell!  Her name is "Ditzy da Bell" and she was sweet and petite.  As a matter of fact, I was kind of taken aback by the fact that she is SO SMALL (compared to me) for a club that is SO LARGE (compared to ours)!  That's her on the left! 

She loved the fact that I'm such a big, strapping bell!  And she loved my baratone resonance (and I loved her alto ring)!  We showed each other our scars brought on by the many times we have been struck by our Presidents.  Mine are most impressive!


We spent an entire meeting getting to know one another while almost a hundred Rotarians went about their meeting.  Despite the large crowd, we did get to know each other pretty well.  I showed her all of my Bell Tatoo's and she loved them. As you can see from the photo, that was me alright!  What other bell would have Tatoo's that say "Garry Duncan" and "Phil Felde"?!  I even showed her my "Tom McCauley" bell-too, but for some reason ... that kinda turned her off.  When I showed her my "Bob Gross" inscription, she asked .. "Is he still alive?".

I also got to take a picture with a very tall, cool drink of water.  She would make an excellent "Trophy wife".  I was hesitant to post a picture of her, mainly because she ALSO has tatoo's that could reveal which club I visited (to the informed reader).  But what the hay, I'm long gone from there now.  So here is a picture of me and my future "Trophy wife".

If President Dustin were smart, he'd figure out where I was and contact that club's President.  He MIGHT just get on the trail towards finding me - or at the very least, chastize his peer for not snatching me from the clutches of Governor Susan, and not returning me to the club!  Thank god for that!

Well, I really need to get going.  I'm now with one of our club members, preparing for an exciting trip to Las Vegas!  Hopefully I'll get to hang out with Lola again, and get a couple of new tatoo's!  I'll try to post again before I leave.  In the meantime, have a great week!

Yours in Rotary,

Dingy da Bell!

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time..

Before posting my thoughts for the day, I hear that Pastor Mark and "Reuben the cook" finally made it to a meeting last week!  I also heard we almost had breakfast burritos for lunch?

Enough of that, on to my point ... Each summer, after taking a year of Presidential abuse (in some form or another), I decide to venture out on my own.  Last year I thought I'd never get away after Past President Ralph snatched me up and put me on a leash before Chuck's kickout dinner, in a vain attempt to keep me from wandering.  But I managed to escape.  Unfortunately, I had a boring time and therefore didn't post to my blog.

Travelling again this year seemed like a good idea at the time, but I'm starting to wonder.

I guess I was hoping that this year would be different, and for the most part that wish is coming true - just not in the way I expected.  Thus far I have been on three adventures.  The first (to President Dustin's hay loft, and the Mokelumne Aqueduct) I have already posted about.  The second and third have not yet been chronicled because my accomplices .. I mean .. travel companions .. haven't sent me copies of the photos!  I DID take the club camera along, a vintage Polaroid Instamatic that Bob Gross loves so much, but found out that they don't make film for it anymore ... so, as Bob Gross learned ... one more thing that doesn't function like it used to.  So I am at the mercy of my travelling companions when it comes to taking pictures.

The second adventure was a weekend trip to the Raiders Game and then San Juan Capistrano.  My third adventure started last week when I travelled the district meeting other Rotary Bells.  Hopefully I will be able to chronicle those trips soon....

My fourth adventure is about to get underway.  I'm going to VEGAS AGAIN!!!!  Hopefully I will get to meet up with my friend Lola, who I travelled with briefly in 2007.  What a gal.  I start resonating just thinking about her.  Boy, It would be great to see her again.  She knows how to make a bell feel like its the only noise in a room.

So my traveling companion picked me up this week in preparation for our trip to Vegas, and the first thing this person does is .. DRESS ME UP in some weird costume.  Judge for yourself, but I think look like a cross between "Mister Potato Head" and a Carnie.  What do you think?  Maybe I can get work at the Grape Festival as the "winner's bell" at one of the carnival games (they ring me whenever someone wins) while all of you are pouring beer?  That might be fun.

I'm hoping my travelling partner will honor the age-old saying .... "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".  I have a lot of plans, many of which violate the four way test in a BIG WAY.  I may not be inclined to share the whole story, but I will share some of it.  Who knows, maybe I'll get a tatoo ... hang out with some showgirls again, marry the Las Vegas Rotary Club's bell at one of the many chappels, or get up onstage with an Elvis Impersonator again!  I may even re-visit the craps tables to see if my luck has changed since 2007!

One thing I DON'T want to do again is visit the Hoover Dam.  My trip there in 2007 was traumatic!  I have to be honest .. I'm not comfortable around water ever since that trip.  I neglected to tell my travelling partner of LAST WEEK about my "Aqua-phobia" .. more on that later.

Well, it is getting "alarmingly" late in the morning and I need to pack for my trip to Vegas, get some sunscreen (Brasso), and see if I can get a makeover (polishing) so that I look my best for Lola!

Have a great weekend!

Dingy

It Aint All It's Cracked Up To Be

Well, I have been travelling the district for the past few days getting acquainted with other Rotary Bells. I must say, for the most part I found that all the Rotary Bells are pretty curvy and I was quite attracted to them. But I HAVE been put off by some of the CRUDE bell humor that has been forced upon me as of late. Some of the more heinous humor I've been subjected to includes:

Q: Why did the bull wear a bell?
A: Because his horn was broken

Q: Why did the cow wear a bell?
A: Because she doesn't have any horns.

Last Sunday I secretly visited Pastor Mark's assembly, mainly because I wondered if Pastor Mark was still alive (haven't seen him at a meeting in quite some time). Pastor Mark shared a timely story with his congregation that really struck a tone with me. It went something like this (I hope I don't mess up the story):

St. Peter is usually very busy in Heaven, so he decided it would be a good idea to just mount a bell by the Pearly Gates and next to it hang a sign that reads “For Service, Ring Bell.” After mounting the bell and hanging the sign, he hurried away to get some other things done before the good lord started checking up on him. Within a matter of a minute, he heard the "Ding" of his bell and rushed back to the gates, only to find that no one was there.

Perplexed, St. Peter went back to work only to hear the "Ding" of the bell again, so he rushed back again, only to find that no one was there.

A little annoyed, St. Peter went back to work. But another minute later, he heard the "Ding" of the bell again - and again found no one waiting at the gates.

In a rare moment of frustration, St. Peter said “Okay, that’s it!" and decided to hide by the gates so that he could discover the identify of the person who keept ringing the bell. A moment later, Bob Gross appears at the gates and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the one who keeps ringing the bell?”

“Yes, that was me,” Bob said.

“Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” St.Peter asks. "It's really starting to piss me off!".

"Well", said Bob, “They keep resuscitating me"!

It made me vibrate to hear Pastor Mark tell that story. What an inspirational tale.

I have many adventures to share with you as soon as I get photographs from my accomplices - I mean - from my friends. I hope to be able to share my adventures with you all soon.

In the meantime, I'll keep updating my blog with MEANINGLESS stories, humor and gibberish in an attempt to try and keep you interested.

Yours in Rotary,
"Dingy" Da Bell

I Need To Vent

I'm depressed and I need to vent. NO, I didn't say "I need vents" (which would required a torch), I said I need TO vent!

One of my fellow Lodi Sunrise Rotarians took me to the Raider game last friday, then to San Juan Capistrano. On Monday he was supposed to drop me off at Governor Susan's office for more fun and adventure, but he never did.

I've been sitting in this dark cardboard box since Sunday, and to be honest I don't know where I am! Occasionally I hear the sounds of "Herb Alpert and his Tijuanna Brass", and get a whiff of Menudo in the morning, but other than that I have no clue where I am.

Thank goodness for this Blackberry device. I can at least send emails and surf the web, so long as my battery holds out (and its almost dead)! My emails to my "captor" have gone unanswered, and I'm stuck here.

Governor Susan is wondering where I am. She keeps texting me but I told her I can't get there all by myself. I'm a bell! I don't have thumbs, much less hands! If it weren't for Voice-to-Text technology, I wouldn't be able to even use this Blackberry!

What REALLY chaps my brass is that I COULD be travelling with Governor Susan, meeting all kinds of nice curvy bells throughout the district, and getting "buffed". But instead, I'm stuck in this box! Not only is my "captor" cutting into my fun time, he's cutting into my LOVE LIFE!

And do you know how hard it is for a single bell to get "buffed" these days?

I hope my "captor" will get me to Governor Susan soon, or at least give me to someone who CARES! I was really looking forward to getting "busy in the bellfry" this week!

Yours in Rotary,
Da Bell

Anatomy Of A Bell

A friend took me on a little drive (more to come on that) on friday, and this gave me some time to do a little reading. Did you know that according to enyclopedia Britannica, "A bell is a hollow vessel usually of metal, but sometimes of horn, wood, glass, or clay, struck near the rim by an interior clapper or exterior hammer or mallet to produce a ringing sound."???

A couple of things bothered me about that description, particularly the reference to a "clapper". Bob Gross has a "Clapper" that turns his lights on and off. But I digress...

I also learned that bells may be categorized as idiophones, instruments sounding by the vibration of resonant solid material, and more broadly as percussion instruments. I categorically deny being an Idiophone.

I also learned a lot about my own anatomy. Did you know that bells (like humans) have a shoulder, waist and lips?

But what makes me unique is my Argent, Crown, Inscription Band, Moulding Wires, Canons (kinda like having "guns" at the gym), and Inscription (the bell equivalent of a tatoo), and a Soundbow.

Wow, I feel so much more enlightened today.

Yours in Rotary,
"Dingy" Da Bell

Livin' La Vida Loca

There has been a LOT of speculation where I've been the past few weeks, and people are even being fined! But to be honest .. I just needed to get away and clear my handle. I spent most of the first two MONTHS of President Ralph's year hidden away in Cheryl Sinclair's underwear drawer. That probably wouldn't have been half bad, but there is a severe lack of "thong-age" in that drawer, so it wasn't all that exciting (unless you like going through drawers at an all female retirement home).

When I finally was allowed to see the light of day again, I was mercilessly pounded by President Ralph on a weekly basis. Sometimes it was with that damned gavel, other times with a pen or pencil, and yet other times with whatever the Prez had at his disposal (screwdriver, shoe, plastic fork, or whatever). Then he bought that dang rollaway cabinet and stuffed me into the bottom every week for that bumpy ride to-and-from the storage room at Oak Ridge Winery.

On the plus side, I did spend most of my weeks (during President Ralph's tenure) in the Wine Storage room at Oak Ridge Winery - with no supervision and not much light. All I can say about THAT experience is that the OZV Zinfandel at Oak Ridge Winery is to die for! I only hope they don't take physical inventory anytime soon.

But the last straw for me was finding out that Dustin was going to be President this year. It was bad enough having to be pounded by President Ralph .. but getting pounded by a guy that rides a rides hogs (Harley's) and horses? I'll either be getting "rung" each week by a riding crop, or the chain connected to President Dustin's wallet!

So what did I do? Well, I figured the closer I hid to my future problem .. the less likely I'd be found. so I took up refuge in President Dustin's hay loft. Its pretty comfortable there, I get some sunlight, and NO ONE has thought to look for me there!

En route to that haven, I stopped to admire the Mokelumne Aqueduct! Did you know that the Pardee Dam, which feeds the Aqueduct, was the highest dam in the world at the time it was constructed?! And did you know that the Mokelumne Aqueduct began delivering water to the East Bay area on June 23rd, 1929 - when Bob Gross was only 12 years old? (Do the math, people). That's amazing to me!

But I grew tired of living in a Straw House, so I am off for more adventure before having to come back to the club and take more abuse. I hope you don't miss me, because - to be honest - I don't miss Tom McCauley's rambling monologues all that much.

If you have a trip planned to anywhere interesting, and you'd like to TAKE ME ALONG WITH YOU, please send an email at The.Bell.2009@Gmail.com and I'll tell you where you can pick me up! I'd love to travel with you!

Yours in Rotary,

Da Bell

My Adventure in 2007

Many of you may have followed my 2007 adventure after that DISASTEROUS year with President Chippy at the helm. To re-live those moments, visit the following link:

http://www.virtuallodi.com/bell/page1.asp